(As the title of this post suggests, it follows after Jonathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal. If you are unaware of the genre of literature of which Swift’s masterpiece is a part, I suggest you research it before being outraged at my writing. Thank you.)

I recently received the gift of a great library of liturgical books, covering the era from before the time of Christ to today. I was particularly pleased to receive several books from the Pre-Vatican II Roman Rite - including several copies of the Missale Romanum and several associated books, such as the Rituale Romanum. I don’t ever envision using these books - as much as I enjoy a liturgy entirely in Latin as a liturgical geek, I don’t ever really find it appropriate for public worship - unless, of course, you are in a society comprised of lots of fluent Latin speakers. I like that Vatican II made the vernacular the standard for public worship - no matter how much the current leadership of the Congregation for Divine Worship and the current occupant of the Chair of Peter may wish otherwise. I am also, of course, an Episcopalian, and at that, a Prayer Book Fundamentalist. The liturgies used in this church are to be those in the Book of Common Prayer, and its approved supplements, like The Book of Occasional Services, Lesser Feasts and Fasts, and the like.

But - nonetheless - as a complete and total liturgical nerd, I feel a need to use these books. Somehow. Especially the missals. They were, after all, designed for use, not to be museum pieces. Of particular interest to me, I must confess, is a chapter in my copy of the Rituale Romanum: “Ritus Exorcizandi Obsessos A Dæmonio” - “The Rite for Exorcizing those Posessed by Demons.” Now let me be clear, I do believe that exorcism is real. And I never wish to perform an actual exorcism - this is for people with faculties to so.

In fact, one of my favorite pages any liturgical book of the Episcopal Church is found in The Book of Occasional Services, on the page entitled “Concerning Exorcism” -

The practice of expelling evil spirits by means of prayer and set formulas derives its authority from the Lord himself who identified these acts as signs of his messiahship. Very early in the life of the Church the development and exercise of such rites were reserved to the bishop, at whose discretion they might be delegated to selected presbyters and others deemed competent.

In accordance with this established tradition, those who find themselves in need of such a ministry should make the fact known to the bishop, through their parish priest, in order that the bishop may determine whether exorcism is needed, who is to perform the rite, and what prayers or other formularies are to be used.

I’ve never seen two paragraphs so intricately constructed in a book of the Episcopal Church. Here’s my translation:

(Sidebar: Interestingly, in the Episcopal Church, as in the Roman Church, it seems to be envisioned that exorcism is rare, and when performed, is to be done by those with a faculty to do so. In the Roman Church, of course, faculties are granted to perform certain tasks - to hear confessions, for instance. Exorcism, likewise, is a faculty granted to a particular priest. This is one of the few cases I can think of in the Anglican / Episcopal Prayer Book tradition where it is envisioned that particular priests have faculties.)

But I still want use these books, you understand. Books are made to be used. So, several months ago, I began the search for a subject. It’s been long and arduous - few people, in today’s world, seem to know the demonically possessed. But, at long last, with the advice and concurrence of several people, I think we have found a subject. (Episcopal consent, is, of course, outstanding.) That subject is Denver Broncos QB Tim Tebow.

What, you ask? Is this the same Tim Tebow of “tebowing” fame - of shouting out to Jesus at every possible mount that it is appropriate, and a few at which it is not? Of fame from that Focus on the Family sponsored anti-abortion ad? That gentleman of such seemingly wholesome character - the Tim Tebow who so many would crave to have as their son? I’m not sure. Here’s a photo I’ve found of the lad:

Herein, I make the case for the exorcism of Timothy Richard Tebow.

There are only two explanations for Tebow’s recent spate of good luck in the NFL. Tebow led the broncos to six straight come-from-behind victories earlier this year. That’s right - six. Many of those came in the fourth quarter, with very little time left on the clock. His success has been nothing short of incredible. Tebow had an incredible career as the QB for the Florida Gators, including winning the Heisman Trophy and a BCS National Championship. But nobody can be that good at the NFL level. Thus we are led to two possible explanations for his performance: the Divine Favor of Our Lord, or Demonic Posession.

I’m a believer in the anthropic principle - that we understand God as revealed in creation. As such, certain “rules” emerge in the observation of the created order. Football - as among the most marvelous parts of God’s created order - is no exception.

Among the pieces of divine revelation that has emerged in regards to football: Florida QBs have lackluster NFL careers. For example, consider Rex Grossman’s production as the Redskins QB this year. Nothing to write home about - so spotty, in fact, that he was benched for a while this year. While he did have a role in leading the 2006 Chicago Bears to the NFC Championship, his performance thereafter has been spotty.

Consider a few other Florida QBs in the NFL. Do you recall Heisman-winning Florida QB Danny Wuerffel’s NFL career? Right, neither do I. How about the careers of Doug Johnson or Chris Leak? My point exactly. (I kid you not, Chris Leak is playing for the Montreal Alouettes - in the Canadian Football League. The CFL. I had no idea it still existed, eh?)

Likewise, Our Lord has revealed other aspects concerning NFL performance. For instance, long deliveries are bad. Long delivery gives the pass rush ample chance to force fumbles, interceptions, and turnovers. Tebow is a thrower - not a passer. Also revealed: over reliance on physical play-making among QBs doesn’t work. Tebow’s success at Florida was largely predicated on his ability to be a physical play-maker under pressure. But, honestly, an NFL offensive line is not the equivalent to OL in college - even at the best colleges of the SEC, like Alabama or LSU. No matter how good Alabama or LSU are. So an over reliance on physical playmaking will lead to a short career. Further revealed by Our Lord: being able to read a defense is a must. And it’s been very clear this season, for all of Tebow’s accomplishments, that he still does not have that ability.

Our Lord has revealed the qualities to be admired and respected in a quarterback. Behold, Packers QB Aaron Rodgers. His passing ability is incredible, and his ability to read a defense is second to none. He has the ability to make physical plays, but he doesn’t rely on it too much. And the record for the Packers this year: 15-1. Again, behold, Saints QB Drew Brees. Passing ability is fantastic - so incredible, in fact, that he has broken Dan Marino’s single season passing record. He can read a defense, although not as well as Rodgers, to my mind. The Saints record: 13-3. So we come to young Timothy Richard Tebow. His foibles have been discussed, as well as his odd playmaking ability. The record of the Broncos: 8-8.

Demons and evil are never finally triumphant - such is the assurance of the Gospels. Yet they may have erratic streaks of incredible power - such we are told the allegory of Revelation. The records are clear - Our Lord has bestowed abundant blessing upon the Rodgers and the Packers, and Brees and the Saints - but not so much upon the Broncos. There may be but one conclusion: Tebow’s ability comes from a supernatural force, but not from Our Lord. The man is, unfortunately, possessed. And an exorcism is needed. And I have the books.

Therefore, with appropriate Episcopal sanction, I would be happy to assist in such a rite. For instance, I can cower in the back of the room in fear as a qualified exorcist calls the demons out from young Mr. Tebow that he may live a fruitful life in further service to Our Lord. I simply, and humbly, offer my book so that it may be used. You know, the way I said I wanted it to be used. Way back in the beginning of my proposal.